


Should Have Been You

by DivineValley



Series: Broken Pieces [6]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Dealing With Loss, Gen, Grief/Mourning, So much angst, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 16:44:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14193279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineValley/pseuds/DivineValley
Summary: “He has to be in the medbay, he has to be there! He’s probably overworking himself right now.” Ellis is running, he’s running, needing to get there as fast as humanly possible because he knew Blitz will be there. He’s always there.





	Should Have Been You

**Author's Note:**

> Companion piece to [Their Monster](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13990839)

“He has to be in the medbay, he has to be there! He’s probably overworking himself right now.” Ellis is running, he’s running, needing to get there as fast as humanly possible because he knew Blitz will be there. He’s always there. Arch is following close behind, he really should be upright at all but Ellis wasn’t going to start an argument with him. Not when they were both frantically searching for their brother.

 They had all been separated planetside, Felucia had been a disaster the jungle itself having proven deadlier than the droids. Everything had wanted them dead it had been a living hell. Entire squads wiped out not from gunfire but disease or the unpredictable wildlife.

 It was all just hell and having lost Blitz and Arch in the chaos had put the worst kind of fear inside of Ellis. It was just the three of them now. The last members of Pillar Squad a name they hadn’t called themselves since their cadet days but they’d always be that in his heart. Two of them had already crumbled and fallen down but he wasn’t going to give in not without a fight and he knew Blitz wouldn’t as well.

 The 501st had been the last to be pulled off the planet but Arch had heard that Blitz had made it off on one of the shirt shuttles. Someone saying a 501st medic had been found injured and was in need of treatment immediately.

 The injuries were serious.

 No, no that wasn’t right. Someone else, Blitz didn’t get hurt he treated those who were hurt! In their time serving Blitz was one of the luckiest bastards there was. The worst that ever happened to him was a twisted ankle and being grazed in the shoulder.

 He was fine.

 Blitz was fine.

 The medbay was swamped, troopers were being brought in each passing second in desperate need of care. For a second Ellis feared they wouldn’t be able to get inside but he couldn’t just stop at the doors and leave knowing Blitz was in there hurt. Throwing manners out the window he pushed himself inside unsure if Arch was still following at this point. His eyes scanned through the rows of beds in frantic search of Blitzen. He was here somewhere, he was!

 “Coric!” Arch shouted causing Ellis to quickly look behind him to see his older brother call out to a medic. He didn’t know him that well but Ellis knew he and Blitz worked well together. When he’d come visit Blitz while he was on a shift he and Coric were often enjoying talking and joking around.

 “You two shouldn’t be here right now unless you’re hurt.” Coric is ragged, Ellis isn’t sure how he is standing right now. He must have been working since the moment he arrived back on the ship.

 “Blitzen have you seen him, we heard he was taken off the planet.”

 “He’s hurt! He’s here isn’t he?! Coric please tell us where he is, why isn’t he in any of the beds!”

 A pained expression is on Coric’s face, Ellis could see his eyes darting in another direction as though he doesn’t want to look them. “He was here.” He choked out and Ellis doesn’t understand.

 Was? So where did he go? Was he helping out somewhere else?

 “His legs. They were gone. They were just gone and...so he was sent back to Kamino with others who were hurt like him.” There was pain in his voice and Arch goes completely still his face unreadable.

 Ellis couldn’t quite comprehend the words.

 That wasn’t right. That wasn’t right at all.

 “...You let them take him?” He knew it wasn’t fair to say that to Coric, it was beyond cruel but Ellis wouldn’t say he was in his right mind. He had grabbed the front of Coric’s armor shaking him as he screamed in his face.

 “YOU LET THEM TAKE HIM?! They’re going to kill him! They’re going to kill him! Wh-why didn’t you...he was your friend and you just let them take him away?! You should have stopped them! You could have stopped them!”

 Ellis was pulled away violently, his back hitting a wall as he nearly crashed into several people on the way down. His eyes are burning and he glared upward ready to go after whoever had done it when his gaze fell upon Arch his face just blank of emotion.

 There is no sorrow, no hurt or anger there is nothing.

  **Cracks begin to form.**

 When new soldiers start filing in to fill up the spaces of the empty barracks Ellis shoved the trooper who was assigned Blitzen’s bunk. He didn’t mean to, it was just an instinct that kicked in. It wasn’t the first time he experienced this before. Ellis watched as CeeCee and Den’s bunks were given away but seeing someone other than Blitzen occupying the familiar space hurt. He managed to grab the pillow giving his own to the newcomer before he retreated to his bunk holding it close to his chest.

 His scent is still there. The generic shampoo all clones used mixed in with the smell of the medbay, the smell of hospital standard clean. Closing his eyes he can imagine Blitzen is there sitting beside him when his fantasy is brought to a violent end when a vise grip like pressure took a hold of his arm yanking him onto his feet.

 Arch didn't look happy. When is he ever happy?

 His eyes are narrowed and Ellis can’t help but flinch feeling like a child about to be ridiculed. He doesn’t resist in trying to break free, he does all he can to avoid Arch’s intense stare.

 “Look at me. I said look at me, Ellis.”

 Refusing to the grip is stronger now and he bit back a hiss of pain.

 “Fine, don’t look but you listen and you listen good. You acting like this isn’t proper. He’s not coming back. You know, I know it and so does everyone else. You making problems and crying every other minute isn’t helping anyone.”

 “Say his name.” Ellis demanded weakly. “You haven’t said his name ever since we-”

 “Stop it. Now. Pull yourself together or else.”

 Arch released his arm at last with a shove before turning on his heels before leaving him alone.

  **The cracks grow wider.**

 Clones were not allowed personal possessions that of course doesn’t stop them from keeping a few personal treasures. On their first mission, CeeCee had become fascinated with a rock, of all things on an alien planet it was a small white circular rock. When held up to the light it glimmered with colors, CeeCee’s eyes lit up in a way they never had before. He wouldn’t stop showing it off to anyone whose attention he could catch stating he’d keep it as a memento.

 Memento, an object kept as a reminder or souvenir of a person or event.

 CeeCee kept it hidden under his mattress and at night he’d take it out and idly turn the stone in his hands as they spoke to one another across the gap between their bunks. When he died...when that blast blew his head apart wiping his warm beautiful smile from existence Ellis was given ownership of the rock. Blitzen had placed it in his palm pushing his fingers to curl around it saying CeeCee would want him to have it.

 A memento of him, proof that he had existed.

 Den wasn’t a sentimental man, he did his best to live the moment even more so after CeeCee had died. For a while, they had worried he’d just be consumed by his anger. Out of all of them, Den expressed his grief with anger for weeks with no end in sight but thankfully he started to come back to himself and picked up a strange new hobby.

 Card tricks.

 He was awful at them, he never seemed to be able to grasp them. Couldn’t even construct a tower without it falling halfway into stacking the cards. They had no idea how Den’s interest began but no one questioned it because it brought him back to them. His favorite kinds were he’d make someone pick a card place it back in the deck and work his magic in pulling the same card out.

 Never was able to do it though one time Ellis pretended just to make him happy. He let out a gasp and put on a convincing act saying it was his card and Den had been so shocked with himself but so proud as well. He cheered loudly, shouting he had finally gotten it right, pulled Ellis into a headlock messing up his hair.

 Den had proudly held up the card proclaiming it was now his lucky card...maybe it wasn’t so lucky, it was a lie.

 He had lied.

 Den tucked the card into his armor before every mission all except for one time, he had left it  under his pillow.

 When they had returned just three of them left now, Den’s corpse left behind in that field with a shot to his temple given out of mercy. Ellis removed the card and kept it safe with CeeCee’s stone.

 Another memento has been added to the collection. Three treasures left behind from his loved ones. He’d hold onto them forever or at least until it was his turn to die, each day Ellis woke with dread in his chest. This could be it, this could be the day. What did he have to leave behind to prove he was once here. To prove he had been a living, breathing individual and not some carbon copy the masses saw them as.

 What could he possibly leave behind?

 He’d have to figure it out soon but for now each night Ellis would turn the stone in his hands and trace the corners of the card with his fingertips doing his best not to cry. There shouldn’t be any tears left and yet new ones always formed whenever memories of his brothers filled his mind. Ellis would be torn from a nightmare ending up with Blitzen’s pillow pressed to his chest sobbing into it quietly begging for him to come back.

 Please come home.

 One evening Ellis returned from a shift of guard duty collapsing onto his bunk from exhaustion. It isn’t tiredness in his body but in his mind, most days all he wanted to do was sleep. Reaching for the pillow he brought it to his nose inhaling deeply and froze. Something is wrong. Something is very wrong. Sitting up he inhaled again before looking down at it as his throat tightened.

 This wasn't Blitzen’s pillow. The scent isn’t right. The tear stains were gone.

 Yes, a few weeks have already passed but the smell had lingered and it had been there when he left this morning. He could still smell Blitzen on it, this wasn’t the same pillow but why would anyone switch it? Growing cold he jumped onto his feet and threw his mattress out of the bed frame causing it to topple over.

 They’re gone. His mementos are gone.

  **They spread and splinter throughout the pillars.**

 “ARCH!”

 There is only one other person who knew of his mementos.

“ARCH! WHERE IS HE?!”

 One person who never approved of them. Said they were meaningless, that he was being coddled for holding onto them.

 Ellis walks with a purpose for the first time since he returned from Felucia, he stalks down the halls of the ship until he tracks Arch down to the lounge where most of the troopers spend their down time. Arch is sitting at a table eyes locked to the screen of a holopad not bothering to even look up as Ellis stands over him.

 “Where are they?!”

 Silence.

 “Where the fuck are they Arch?!”

 More silence.

 Something snaps inside Ellis there is hot burning anger. Ugly, raw anger he doesn’t bother to question any of his actions that follow. Snapping the holopad from Arch’s grip its thrown clear across the room smashing into hundreds of pieces against the wall. Just like he felt that day in the medbay when he was thrown.

 Arch stands now finally he acknowledges Ellis presences and looks him dead in the eyes still silent. The room has grown deathly silent all focus on just the two of them.

 “Why, why did you take them?! Where are they! Give them back!” Ellis demands sound weak more like desperate pleas.

 Give them back, give them back please, please why was he doing this? Why?!

 “Look at you, look at what this is doing to you! You’re not a child but you’ve always acted like one! Keeping those things having a constant reminder of them, it’s destroying you!” Arch screams finally raising his voice.

Ellis clenches his fists his hands begin to turn white.

 “CeeCee is dead! Den is dead! Blitzen is dead! Always crying for them in the middle of the night! It’s pathetic!”

 He spits out their names like they’re poison. It makes Ellis sick to his stomach.

 “If you kept holding onto those pieces of garbage you’ll end up just like them. Another pointless death!”

 Ellis sees red as he lunges at Arch, they topple over to the floor as he blindly throws punches. He’s able to get in a few good hits until he’s flipped onto his back and Arch is now on top of him. He can’t throw him off, Arch has always been stronger, bigger, better in every way.

 Arch’s blows make him see spots immediately, large black spots and he can feel his lip split and nose being broken. He’s not holding back, he’s not holding back at all.

 He’s scared, he’s so scared, it feels like Arch is going to kill him.

 Ellis does all can to claw at his face able to scratch across his cheek when someone finally pulls Arch off him. It’s the captain, Captain Rex is here holding Arch back as Ellis weakly starts to push himself up.

 “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU! NOT BLITZEN!”

 Ellis can’t hear anything but those words repeating on a loop in his head. He stumbles onto his feet and Arch is silent again he looks horror-struck. He goes limp in the captain’s grip as he reaches out for Ellis shaking.

 “E-Ellie, Ellie, oh Force Ellie I didn’t me-” Arch’s voice cracks, a sob leaves his lips.

Ellis spits in his face. This time his expression is unreadable.

 “Dar’manda.” He whispers, he doesn’t recognize his own voice. “All my brothers are dead.”

 Ellis is running, he’s running and he has not clue to where he’s trying to go.

  _“Ellie look!” Holding up a round stone CeeCee is smiling, bringing it to the light glimmering colors are revealed. Ellis had never seen anything like it in his life. “Isn’t it beautiful?! I’m going to keep it! Like as a memento!...Huh? What’s that? C’mon how do you not know that! It’s like a keepsake! I’m sure no one will notice a little thing like this, right?” CeeCee is holding it tight in his hand his entire being is filled with life. “So I can always remember today, our very first mission, let’s make sure to have many more!”_

 His feet keep on moving, he just runs and runs. He doesn’t look back, he can’t look back.

  _“Holy kriff...you serious? This is it?! Haha! Well, guess who owes me a drink now! And Archie said I’d never get it!” Den is waving around the card Ellis had taken from the deck. A smirk on his face as he threw his arm around the younger clone’s shoulders. “Remember this day Ellie, on this day I Den have become a master of the cards! This little guy here, he’s officially my little good luck charm.” Den winked playfully at him. “Hopefully having the joker as a charm won’t bite me in the ass later on!”_

 He knows where he is. The smell of clean, the sounds of medical equipment the general calmness of the room...the medbay. Ellis enters and he walks past the rows of beds, he can hear someone gasp from behind him. He comes to a stop at the last bed of the left row, it’s empty and he stares at it.

  _Blitz is holding him, his entire body curled around Ellis as they both lay in the cramped medbay bed. He had spent the last several hours crying. Still raw from the loss, CeeCee only one day dead. Blitz’s eyes look haunted, he can’t seem to focus on anything until he finally looked down at Ellis brokenly. “I’m sorry...I’m so sorry Ellie...it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault.” He buried his face into the crook of Ellis’ neck. “It should have been me...it should have been me.”_

“I wish....I wish it had been me.” Ellis whimpers as he sinks to the floor and lets out a cry full of pain unaware that across the galaxy that his brother wakes up on a medical table in a white room and tries to claw his new legs off.

  **The pillars crumble and turn to dust.**

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wow guys wow this was something! I became very emotional writing this. So any comments you might have on this are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> The term Ellis uses dar'manda is a Mandalorian insult defined as a state of not being Mandalorian - not an outsider, but one who has lost his heritage, and so his identity and his soul - regarded with absolute dread by most traditionall-minded Mando'ade. 
> 
> It was the closest insult I could find that means you are no longer my brother!


End file.
